this made my shitty week a little brighter:

me: mister pesce,
am i going to have to constantly hear about our band everytime i have a meeting with anyone from consumables retail?
1:10 PM Michael: yes.
and now i've unleashed my marketing friends on the east coast
i spent the morning sending e-mails
1:14 PM me: uh
really?
Michael: oh yes
1:15 PM me: are you completely determined to make us famous?
Michael: i am
well
mostly to make you famous
me: me?
Michael: you.
me: why?
Michael: you've got "it"
i am convinced
me: wow
that's quite the compliment
1:16 PM :::blush
Michael: seriously, everyone i play our music for
their reaction goes like this
1) hmm, this actually sounds pretty decent
2) i like the intro
then you start singing
and they all go
3) damn, you guys are really good
and then they ask who you are
and they have this look of shock on their face
because people are always pimping bands
and they're never good
but, your voice has supa-star potential
people love it
me: jesus
Michael: shit, my parents love it
and they watch A LOT of american idol :)
me: hahaha
Michael: kidding a bit there
but seriously
i am pumped
1:18 PM me: wellthen..


note- this came after meeting I had with our Sr. control buyers. Midway through my presentation one of the guys goes "oh, by the way, you have a great voice and we wanna know when your next show is."
and i was like "ah. i see pesce has been talking to you..."
threw me off my "serious bidness kari" game, but was awesome al the same.

too much has happened to catch up on in an entry and i'm tempted to start writing in a completely different style. i'm bored with my own drama. it makes me feel like a child. i want to feel like a writer again.
so in short- i lost a lot of people. it was like God sent down fire famine and flood to my life.
but after it was all over and i was empty of everything and everyone, i started to rebuild. giving light to the things that didn't need it to stay alive, but could use it to become something better than what i'd been using it for.
as if by some ironic coincidence i am reminded of that quote "to accomplish much, you must first lose everything."
anyway.

Tuesday- Today i realized that the word "bed" looks like a bed. I tried to come up with other examples but pillow, blanket and mattress just made me feel unfomfortable thinking about how it would feel to cuddle up on or with those things in their lettered shapes. then i looked at "bed" again and became extremely sleepy. Then i started drawing pictures of stick figures sleeping on the word "bed" and i felt my point was illustrated well enough to... well, put it to bed.

Wednesday- I watched "The Little Mermaid" with 3 friends tonight and none of us had seen it in 10 years. I never noticed how many contraversial topics are not so delicately touched upon; beastiality, sexism, eating disorders, canibalism. It made me miss the days when childhood movies had an agenda and no one ever apologized for anything. It also made me remember that sometimes, all you need to clear your head is staring pensively off into the ocean and a little flute jam session with your dog.

Thursday- There are two things I do extremely quickly and much more quickly than anyone I've ever met. 1- Going to the bathroom in public restrooms and 2- Getting out of cars. I also become irrationally annoyed when i'm up out of the car and walking toward whatever destination was chosen and people behind me are fumbling with seatbelts and bags and door handles. It also especially irritates me when they do not respect my attempt at being patient and increase their sense of urgency. There isn't really a moral of the story here. I just don't like spending time on uneccessary or unpleasant wasteful activities. Also, I'm extremely OCD.

i haven't journaled in a while. tired of updating with bad news, i guess. things are calm right now. mostly just kind of sad. sad that i really love two guys, neither of them quite enough for me, and both of them just enough to make it next to impossible to let go. i suppose there are worse things than this. but i hate feeling like i'm hurting people. but i'm just not strong enough to let go. i hate myself for it. but i'm dealing.
i'm getting excited for my birthday.
every year i do this. i plan a party. think people will be meh about it and then everyone rallies and suprises me and builds to the plan and then i feel loved.
i hope this year is no different. i've loved every birthday i've ever spent in seattle.
been spending a lot of time on boats lately. making me love seattle in the summer. getting a bit of shit for it, boat whoring and whatnot. but sometimes it feels good to just succumb to being shallow. to just letting myself enjoy the sunshine and getting drunk and dancing on the back of a boat and swimming and feeling sexy and taking lots of self indulgent pictures. it's certainly a good escape from the darkness of the rest of my life.
i feel like i have such a high bar for everyrhing lately that nothing satisfies me.
i have SUCH a high bar for friendship that everyone is letting me down. such a high bar for what i want in a boyfriend that no one makes me as happy as i want to be. i need to relax and be okay with mediocrity or i might drive myself insane.
in other news-
the cuddle party released it's first demo. it's a stupid punky song called "starring john stamos." (sidenote- if anyone knows why i wrote that in my moleskine in the last year, i'd really love to know where it came from). anyway the song was actually such a good release. it's about S and trying to let go and be happy with the good memories.
it was extremely cathartic to write. and record!! getting to scream into the mic. loves it. i wish i was good enough to really be good enough at this.
le sigh.
other than that things have just been busy. deliberately hiding from my head by drinking and stayin out late and working late and enjoying the sun and not really feeling guilty about it.
oh, and i read Twilight. so fuck off :)

him- just like rick astley said...
me- uhm. except for the second line..... and the third.... and the forth.... pretty much the entire rest of the chorus....
him- oh, i don't know that much of the lyrics...
him- just read them :(
me- yeah, that's a bad song to reference.
me- you should know more than one line from that song before referencing it.

today i'm going to try and write about something different. it puts things in such perspective when you read through two months of entries and they all say the same thing as if it's anything new.
well, fie! i say.
s and i had a lovely dinner on the water last night with that savignon blanc that tastes like pears. and we got to talking about friendships. i was saying how difficult i find it to write people off and just say "No. no more."
we got to digging into the reason and came to the conclusion that it had something to do with being a constantly misjudged new kid and never wanting to misjudge another. and wanting to give second and third and forth chances in case i'm wrong.
and i think i feel sorry for a lot of people because, none of this shit is really any of our faults. we all had fucked up childhoods and we're all dealing with it the best we can.
but he made a good point that if i wanted to be charitable and help people, then i could do a lot more with relationships that aren't also hurtful to me.
i'd never really thought of it that way.
i've always been so scared of appearing selfish. but i think he's write. i think it's time to put my energy into only the relationships that truly want to give back something as well.
because right now i keep letting people stay in my life after they completely fuck me and i'm left with an overactive social life of people that don't really love me.
i think it was fun for a while. to walk into a party of 300 and know 200 of them by name. to be part of the inner circle and get invites to the "exclusive and small gatherings."
to pack yachts and houseboats with 100% participation costume parties.
scavenger hunts, and limo parties and jello wrestling and hundred person pub crawls.
it was really exciting because it was new and i was new to the city and felt proud at the social life i built from scratch.
but i think what would be more rewarding now is a small tight knit group of people who i never have to worry if i'm pissing them off. who will always understand and always have my back. who i never have to question what they're saying behind my back. who love who i love and hate who i hate without question.
and now...
i'm going to shasta in 9 minutes with everyone i just talked about... ridic. oh well. i plan to lay in the sun and finish the entire twilight series and drink astro booze.
i've spent more time on vacation than NOT on vacation in the past 2 weeks...

so- bahamas were incredible. a truly wonderful vacation. it started off with me feeling super shakey about the decision. did i really need to be doing this? can i afford it? will my job fall apart? and what about my delicate relationships i'm leaving behind? will i come back to find everyone ganging up on me again?

but once we checked into the room after a 90000 hour flight everyone relaxed and didn't stop relaxing the entire time.

Thurs-
Spent the entire morning lounging at the beach behind our hotel. bouncing between the room and the bar and the beach and the pool. found rum for $6 a bottle and proceeded to get completely shit faced. after dinner, galvatran fell asleep and j and i went to the beach were we made a drink from a liter of vodka and half a thing of cranberry juice. we nearly finished it. proceeded to get so wasted we ended up bawling about lost loved ones and have the best heart to heart we've ever had. agreed the next day to never speak of it again.
after coming up from the beach, j and i decided to wrestle. a lot. he was very anxious to prove to me the effectiveness of a triangle choke and an arm bar. to this day i still dont know what they are. but i did sprain my elbow. apparantly he kept egging me on to hit him. he ended up with a black eye and a split lip.
i woke up wondering why my jaw was sore. we were all covered in bruises. it was ridiculous.

Friday-
spent the entire day hopping between the beach and the pool and the hammocks and the bar. drank daquaris with our chairs in the sea while trading copies of business week for economist. bought more $6 rum and drank on the beach after the sun set. i wandered off and realized we were about 40 yards from a bar. i made everyone sneak in through this hole in the fence and we ended up in the frattiest bar i've ever seen. like ever. and i went to school in florida. did free shots that the bartender poured in your mouth, danced, sang karaoke, drank buckets of beer. good stuff. then M and i wandered off and decided to try and sneak on a cruise ship. this did not happen, but we did have an amazing, crying heart to heart about families and how they fucked us up as children. i don't remember the end of this night.

Saturday-
shopped around the city of nassau. went to gucci and fendi and ended up finding a knock off burberry wallet for $15. woo! went kayaking and spent a lot of time bonding with galvatran as the sun set and we sat watching in the water. had another crying bonding moment over boys and marriage and our futures and being women in the workplace. decided to get married and she hasn't stopped calling me wifey all weekend.

Sunday- more beachie, poolie, kayakie, daquari fun. bought yardsticks of booze from the fratty bar next door and got tanked before 3. had comedy hour in the hotel room while we waited for the rain to clear. j taught me the soulja boy dance. played a lot of never have i ever. went down to the water and m and i split his ipod headphones and played dj for each other until i was too drunk to be in public. fell asleep watching old SNL episodes.

very relaxing trip with very cool people. can't complain one bit.

and just for completeness- here are the moleskine entries from the trip:


the sandy toast
the sandy burrito-
kari "the dirty snizz" tarr- UFC name
my blood smells like alcohol- j
"f-fuh ff aaaggnn.. this rum hurts" - m
me- don't be a bloody vag
m- i'll bleed YOU in the vag
me- well that's not hard, all you have to do is NOT knock me up for the next 14 days.
2.5 gallons of booze was consumed on this trip.

if i had a dollar for every TWSS, i would have covered the entire trip twice over.

my grandma just passed away a few hours ago. mom called. dad's in vienna.
they had plane tickets to fly up and see her next weekend.
she was scheduled for surgery on friday.
i feel a lot of regret for not driving up to portland when i found out she got sick.
i guess i thought i had more time.
not really much else to say.
little in shock. little numbish.
mostly just keep thinking about the pictures of her holding me as a baby, looking super excited cuz i was the first grandkid on that side of the family.
and all the zillions of pictures of me on the mantle of their house in Portland. and on the cork board in the kitchen where my grandfather, who died about 10 years ago, cooked mickey mouse shaped pancakes and eggs from the chickens he kept in the backyard.
and most of all i just feel bad for my dad, who now has lost both parents.
so, i don't have much to say about it, but just wanted to say something.
i don't want to do any more work today.

that really sad cover of "somewhere over the rainbow" is playing.
its' 4:57 am
i'm alone in my apartment
sitting at my computer
i'm pulling our hair extensions slowly from my hair and sitting them neatly next to my lap top.
i'm drinking a glass of last night's chuck, because the sun is rising and i still can't sleep.
i'm home from an after party of an after party of an afterparty.
i'm socially exhausted and yet still not fuflilled. no great connections made tonight.
i'm in a super soft chenile white and blue tommy hilfigure bathrobe.
i'm listening to my damien rice pandora station.
the sun is probably coming up and i'm a little scared to look outside.
i hate sunrises. hate when is ee this side of them.
it always feels like ... a sense of a super horrible day to follow. hungover, wrecked,. awful.
i'm going to attempt sleep. but... fuck it.
she's only happy in the sun anyway.

So I broke up with S. And it felt like this huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. And I've been single all week. and alone. I haven't gone out at all. I've spent every night in alone, wathcing movies, drinking wine, cleaning, playing with luca, wanking.
It hasn't been like OMG AMAZING I LOVE THIS. but it's been sort of nice. Am taking a wee break from everything. and I'm not exactly like figuring anything out. but I need to feel really really single. and I kinda almost want to feel alone. not lonely. but definatley alone.
and this probably isn't the most healthy but i've started to internalize more. i think that maybe really confiding in people is a limiting move. it does make you feel a little better in the heat of the moment. but it's like a super emo journal entry that you wrote when you were upset. that raw emotion is permanent, even though you're over it and moved on.
I think confessing all of my insecurities and admitting to some dark parts of me has done me no good with my friends. all that's left is the impression that i'm insecure and have some fucked up qualities. so this week while i was crying over the break up, i called no one. i didn't write about it. i didn't even wonder who i could/should call. i just kept it in. and now i'm at peace and i don't have to worry about anything weak or pathetic i may have said to anyonoe during a weak and pathetic moment.
and it's very freeing.
and i've gone to a lot of dark places this week. and things are necessarily looking they are just... i'm not sure... they're just still there. same as before. life goes on as usual.
this is such a weird place to be in. feels almost devoid of any feeling. there's no one in my life who i'm excited about or in love with.
i don't speak to the two people who i would consider my best friends.
but i'm not upset. i'm just... not in love with life, like i usually am.
and to be honest, i'm kind of enjoying the emotional down time. it's been an overwhelming 5 months and i'm not sure i handled any of it the right way, but i'm stuck with where it's left me now so all i can do is relax.

was reading this book at sasquatch last weekend called "Games People Play." If I had to retitle it, I would call it "games stupid annoying people play," but it was interesting nonetheless. It got me thinking about games I play. And i stumbled onto a big one for me.
I came to a conclusion yesterday that I really love being alone but only when by choice. If I find myself with nothing to do on a Friday night, no outstaning invites, I panic. Even if i'm sleep deprived, my house is a mess and i really want to just stay in and relax, I panic. And without thinking about it, I start attempting to make plans. If what i really want, is actually to stay in, then i very cautiously make plans, just throwing random twitters out there, seeing what people are up to, grabbing super casual "you should come hang out"s.
Once I have options or at least have a better understanding of what the night holds for other people, i'm totally fine staying in.
The major problem with this is that if i haven't been cautious enough, people hold me to my invites and i either let someone down by flaking or end up going out and wishing i'd stayed in.
My theory as to the origin of this is 1 of 2 places:
1. Either I'm really obsessed with having a complete working knowledge of the night's possibilities or
2. This stems from the many MANY Friday nights i stayed in alone NOT by choice because i didn't have any friends in the first few weeks in a new city. Maybe it scarred me. who knows.

now that i'm aware of this, however, i feel i can learn from it and work toward a much happier alone time/ social time balance. without the "grass is always greener" aspect.

good times in psych!

lotta lotta emotionicals going through me today. sorta wish i could switch them all off so i can focus on work.
sasquatch was amazing. and i was with the perfect group of people. the weather was perfect. the views were incredible. i can't say enough about how wonderful it was.
saturday we got ripped off by a scalper selling bad tickets and ended up sneaking in through a service entrance. then after sneaking up onto an empty stage, we got escourted out through a back road which turned out to the the street that led to all the backstage areas. we watched a show from behind the stage, which was an amazing feeling. then snuck around and stole food from kraft services. wandered around backstage during kings of leon and essentially had a ridiculous youthfully rebellious night. brought up all those memories of being 15, running around base with the punk kids in summer.
conversations were wonderful. philosophy, art, music, science.
wasn't sober for more than a total of probably 4 hours the entire weekend.
the last day, i really wanted to see gogol bordello but no one else wanted to and i didn't want to be confrontational so i wandered out to the edge of the campsite leaning on a fence listening to the show from afar. and like an idiot it made me cry. i was probably just drunk and overly emotional and exhausted but i kept thinking over and over "why do i have to feel so passionate about something that i'm not good at? why would i get one without the other?"
then i passed out in the grass and woke up with sun poisoning. so that sucked.
emoticon #2- T proposed to the girl. i got word of it via sms while at sasquatch. didn't think much of it. pretty much expected it. but now i'm back in the real world and saw the pictures on facebook and it's just seriously fucking me up in the head. my feelings on it are clear, so i won't go into it. i guess what's really making me sad is that i'm no where close to getting married. and i think i'm officially getting bored with being single. blaaaaaaaah.
i'm bored with my own writing right now.
also i lost my moleskine. and that sucks. the end.

Never really posted about the trip.
Will do so soley from moleskine entries:

"got too drunk on the red eye and arrived in the city at 7am absolutely tanked. everyone was sleeping so we walked around central park, got massages at the hotel spa, played in bookstores. it's sunny here and i've had a lot of ice cream."

"when i FINALLY saw Aaron and gave him a big hug he counted my ribs. even though i could have sworn i was much skinnier last time he saw me. oh well."

"you've got a song in your heart, and spit on your back" - nick
"you're the only limp dick recepticle for me" - nick again.
"i want to fuckstart your face" - nick... again.
"Fuck your cheeseburger- tales of a culinary anti-patriot"- Decidedly nick's memoirs title.

So in conclusion, thanks to nick for being the only thing in NY worth moleskining about :)
also the trip was fun, exhausting, dramatic, delicious, expensive, beautiful and relaxing.
the end

it's juuuust about midnight. and i was rifling thru my fridge for something to eat, realizing i'm starving and haven't eaten sicne oatmeal at 9am. and i have nothing. just fucking nothing. so i start rifling thru easter candy and decide on a reeces peanut butter cup. poor myself a glass of un-britta'ed water. and realize.... i just had stale easter candy for dinner. and water.
and that seems ungodly pathetic. am tempted to actually cook even though i'm 3 deep, just to ... not be pathetic.
whatever.
i rolled a suitcase full of costumes from bar to bar tonight. found booze, no food. kari v. nutrition= fail.
i have another one of my own songs stuck in my head. i feel that's probably good. catchy. maybe. we'll see. if i ever buy a new cord since my last one was sacrificed to the gods of lost recording equipment.
have started on the amy's mac n cheese. it's too late for this. boo for school night drinking in place of school night productivity.
i'll leave you with this:
i'm comforted to know that the funniest thing i have seen/ will ever see on the internet is porkchop sandwiches.
the end,

this is a wordle of my break up conversation with J.

today is... pensive. i haven't seen another human being in 5 hours. i haven't talked to someone i know in 7 hours.
was... productive. not the kind that makes you feel accomplished but the kind that makes you not feel guilty for not producing things.
have been in my apartment since i got off work and am trying really hard to see this as home, but it still hasn't stuck.
think i maybe signed another 15 month lease to force that homey feeling on the whole thing.
was taking a bath tonight and thought about all the different bathtubs i've been in in the last 4 years. maybe i just feel like a tourist everywhere i go. regardless of the nature of the surroundings.
this place is nice. beautiful. upscale living.
the last place was a house essentially in the subburbs. before that was a prewar studio with hardwood floors, a flour bin, no outlets in the bathroom and an iceblock delivery cubbie. before that, a pretty 2 bedroom with a fake fireplace and a view of madison valley... etc.
nothing ever feels like home. so i'm determined to stay here until it does.
but i've been looking around and this place doesn't have any homey memories. looking at the haphazardly decorated apartment, it just feels like a place i drop shit off and pick up new shit in between living elsewhere.
maybe i need to focus on making it more functional for what i need it to function for...
set up a permanent recording area, put a curtain around the bedroom, get a better TV for cuddly netflixy dates?
even now though...
zumba clothes folded and set on top of my shoes and bag so i can rush home, change and dart off again.
suitcase packed for new york sitting by the door.
work clothes for tomorrow laid out and set on top of the dresser.
a fridge full of left overs that i'm never going to eat.
20 feet ceilings making it impossibel to feel cozy.
a black berry charger in every outlet of the house.
a bathroom left in a perpetual state of mess; fake eyelashes and costume jewelry strewn about.
....
nothing feels like home. just another place i'm living. and maybe it's not this place. maybe it's me. maybe i'll never feel at home anywhere.
but who wants to be comfortable anyway?
being content is the enemy of being creative and productive.
ps- i bought about 8 of these $1 "grow your own teensy plant" things from target's sale bin.
and there's weird things germinating all over the fucking place.

oh, and also, paul visited last weekend. so that's for another entry...

One conversation with a friend yesterday changed my entire perspective on everything. And I think I still have some things to work through and deal and I won't be blissfully happy like I used to be, but I'll be less suicidal.
I wrote on a bar napkin last night:
<-- <3 = --> <3
Meaning that the amount of love and includedness you recieve is only equal to the amount you put out. And i think my biggest problem through all of this has been that i honestly and truly love a big giant group of people. And I feel like I would go out of my way to make them realize that. But I don't. I just don't have the time or capacity.
But I've been expecting it to come back to me. And it just can't.
There are seven days in a week. Seven. And time is my greatest scarcity. And devoting an entire night to a single person is extremely difficult. and unrealistic to be able to keep up with it given the amount of people i'm madly in love with.
and I have to be okay with the fact that people are going to be in a group somewhere and make a plan and forget to include me. we've all done stuff like that. it's not out of spite and it doesn't mean they love me any less. it's just that i can't be everywhere all the time. I'm gonig to call off people's radars constantly. so i need to be okay with all of this.
and i have to be okay with letting go of people who need more than i can give them. no matter how much it hurts. and no matter how much i need them to. it's only fair.
so. it's sort of a shitty place. but it comes from a very deliberate choice i've made to be a part of many different social circles and have lots of different friends. another unfortunate product of my upbringing to constantly need to meet new people and expand my social circle.
it's just never been bigger than i could handle.
the real honest human nature aspect of this is that i want to be passionately loved by everyone. and i want to be included and desired and needed at every single gathering of people ever. and i want to be missed when i'm gone. and i want to be a central part of every group of friends i have. doesn't everyone kinda feel like that a little? 
so this is definatley my issue.
but it'll be okay. a few QT gatherings and game nights and jam sessions and i'm sure i'll feel good as new.
i'm too tired to be mad about anything anymore.
i did however, have to put my headphones on while the coworkers were discussing loudly all the shenannigans re: last night.
fuck them...
:)

this week has been_not easy.
it's tuesday and i've cried at work twice this week.
and i don't cry at work.
yesterday i got slammed repeatedly with unreal expectations and unproductive meetings and the phrase "kari, we've been over this before."
and i just feel... like i'm failing at this job.
and i got home and sobbed to my mother (which i really shouldn't do, as she worries about me enough when i tell her i'm fine). and got all worked up. feeling like i'm wasting my life in this stupid job that i hate and the emails just don't stop with things i dont' want to do and don't care about and i'm not supposed to be spending my life this way. i'm supposed to be doing something else. but i fucked up somewhere along the line. or i'm not smart enough to have a better job. or i'm not good enough at anything passionate to make a living. and it all sucks. and i don't want to feel like this forever. but i hate my job. i hate it. i hate that they demand so much and i hate that i can't meet those demands. and i hate that i can't be okay with being average. and i'm stuck.

and then today. i noticed all my friends at work were missing. so i texted justin and found out they all took the day off to go to the mariner's game. and that just felt like it. first one group of friends, now another. and i just... i hate feeling left out. it's honestly, the worst feeling in the range of awfulness that is emotion. and i'm just done. i want to maybe go into hiding and never come back out. if i set the bar for people loving me at zero then i'll never be disapointed for feel upset. and is the common thread here me? lindsey decides she doesn't want to be my friend, then i get stabbed in the back by three other people, then coworkers.
all i want to do is be friends with the people i love. why is that suddenly so hard. i swear i'm not doing anything intentional to hurt anyone. so why does everyone keep wanting to hurt me? i've been open to every criticism i've heard. i've tried to change everything and anything anyone has asked. i'm doing my absolute best here. what else do i do aside from give up?

is this some sort of test to see how much pressure and stress and failure i can deal with before i break? cuz i'm losing my goddamn mind. i don't think this is building character. i think is is just going to make me insane.

and right on cue, outlook pops up an email where the first line says "kari, this is unnacceptable.."
and i'm going home to lose, once and for all.

still by no means out of the woods but things have at least calmed down on the crazy, screaming, nasty text, heart wrenching ghcat, making friends leave work so i don't do something dumb front.
things like this are supposed to build character, but i wonder if it has done anything except make me less trusting and more cynical about human nature.
at the end of the day all i'm left with is the taste in my mouth of people i love quickly turning on me without even bothering to ask my side of anything. it stings. apologies and long talks and being "okay" and i'm not the type to hold a grudge. but i am the type to never trust you again. i guess it's the passive aggressiveness. i'll show up. i'll make jokes. we'll laugh. i'll be bubbly as ever. but i won't trust that you want me there.
it took me a long time to believe that i was being accepted. not just for being someone's girlfriend. a suprise birthday party and a lot of loving QT and i really thought i had. and then all this.
maybe i just have an insanely high bar for friendship.
i just want to love my friends. i hate that people make it so hard sometimes.
.........
so sleep deprived that i'm nauseous. growing annoyed at my inability to sleep even when i'm exhausted.  though it feels good.
running from work to zumba to belly dance to hangouts.
feels like i'm half-assing everything and "only able to stay for a bit," but it seems like people prefer that. my whole quality over quantity theory caused me to lose one friend so i'm trying the whole "see everyone as often as possible" theory.
..............
i'm tired of things feeling difficult. i'm tired of my job being so hard. i'm tired of going through a break up. tired of never having time for zumba. tired of being double and triple booked every night and always having to let someone down.
das sigh.


Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
whatcha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

if i could give up any more, i would but i'm already at the bottom so i don't even know what to do with that. feels like being beaten up until i lose consciousness and then continuing to get attacked. it's like, whatever, i already gave up. do whatever you want, i don't care.
i woke up this morning just angry. really angry that i was being left out and angry that i don't get to be the victim and angry that everyone feels it's okay to keep attacking me and angry that people are assuming the worst about me and just mad at everyone.
now i'm just depressed and totally broken.
the problem with it is that i let myself think things were okay. and i had my heart set on this stupid dinner. and i made this dinner out to be this metaphor for everythign being okay. it was at my favorite restaurant in seattle and the first establishment i ever set foot in when i moved here. the place means a lot to me. and i had spent all day taking emotional abuse from everyone and felt like i made it out the other side. and zumba made me feel 1000 times better. especially since L came. and i felt supported.
and standing outside the ballet studio for rehersal checking my text messages and the other shoe fucking drops.
and i'm only there for the last 30 minutes of rehersal cuz of zumba. so they save all the pieces i'm in for the last 30 minutes. and i spent 15 of it crying hysterically and yelling at J on the phone even though it's not his fault.
so i felt really unwelcome. at a place that is supposed to be my ultimate home. and that stung. especially since most of the stinging lately has come from feeling really left out, even if i'd been deliberately hanging back.
i felt ganged up on and excluded. and none of these are things i can overcome even in small doses.
so instead i drank at cyclops until i was numb and just slouching in the back booth, hiding in my hoodie.
.....
my kneejerk reaction to this is somewhat childish. like being a kid who's mad at your parents and wishes you would die so that they would miss you and be sorry for hurting you.
part of me wants to disappear and take back every interesting thing i've given to anyone. it's so immature, i'm well aware, but if there's anything i'm trying to do here, it's be honest with myself.

and my mantra is "action plan." i need to set myself on a course of action that will make this hurt go away. but i can't figure out what that is.
and time just seems to be making everything worse. just letting more bad things happen. ie my 1:1 this morning.

part of me wants to become the person everyone thinks i am. just give up trying to prove i'm a good person.
part of me wants to run away or hide
part of me wants to hurt back and make people understand the severity of their actions. that accusations and gossip and nasty text messages and assumptions are fucking mean and shouldn't be thrown around so easily.

most of me is just hoping that because no one else is me, no one else really cares or thinks about it and this is mostly in my head.

i'm leaving town this weekend. to see my family. all of my family. my grandfather is turning 75 and there's a big party for him. I'm hoping that this will create some mental clarity.
but mostly i'm sure i'll just come back to another shit storm of people deciding things about me when i'm not there to defend myself.

so. i'm lost. i'm not even losing it anymore. i'm just lost.

i'm fucked.
and tired.
and confused.
and really sick of not having one perosn in my life who things are simple with. thigns are jacked with everyone.
and i'm trying to fix it and really listen when people critisize but it's so hard to hear everything all at once coming from everyone and i'm in trouble for not being open about things that i feel are private and but i get fucked when i am open about things and i don't know if i can really talk to anyone anymore without all this fucking judgement and everything is messed up and i'm somehow jacking everything up with only the best intentions and all i want is to keep myself sane enough not to do bad things when i'm alone but my form of distraction is another person's personality change and i can't keep up with any of it and i want to just close up and never tell anyone anything again.
and i can't figure out who really has my best interests at heart and who is just projecting their own stuff onto me.
and it's really hard to sort through everything and i feel like the people i can and do trust the most are the people i'm not supposed to be talking to or relying on.
and i'm shaken up. i don't even know if i'm a good person anymore. if i was ever a good girlfriend. if i'm playing games when i think i'm being honest. if i'm pushing buttons when i'm trying to be blunt. i can't tell what's going on and i'm lost and i confiding in people is what got me into all this mess in the first place so it's not like talking to anyone will help.
why is it so hard for people to tell me that things are going to be okay?
i know i come off like i just want advice and doing okay. but i'm not. i'm just very good at hiding it. 
 can't someone just tell me i'm doing something good and everything will be alright?
this seems to be the one time when my support system is the problem.
am so so lost and there's no where to go.